boundaries (of others)

how to not overthink friendships, a few notes

I send this to people a lot! The strongest friendships I have are ones where I feel like these notes are known and understood. (If you know what Crocker’s rules are, this is a more general set of rules that I think are more applicable to everyday life.)

this was initially just a note on my website (newly added because I have a lot of shorter form stuff), but i guess it’s worth putting out there here as well.

We talk a lot about setting boundaries with the people around us, but I think one of the most meaningful ones that I’ve ever had someone set with me / heard someone say was the promise that they were able to know themselves.

Telling someone that you can express discomfort and say no when you don’t want to do something is the most powerful thing you can say. This means others won’t feel bad if they ask you to come along to some event or do something and you do it, so they won’t overthink asking you (obviously, if you do say no and they keep pressuring, that’s a different situation).

I think this is especially strong in younger/college communities around things like substance consumption or going to events that not everyone would enjoy. When someone can feel confident that you will be able to express a dislike for something, they will be able to express their wants without worrying that they’re coming off too strong because you have just as strong of a will! And feel comfortable enough around them to express how you feel!

In a way, I think this is a way to feel comfort in knowing others know what’s best for them. When trying to help someone or when trying to give someone advice, I think it makes sense also to remember that, in the end, others have a better view of their own life than you ever can and that even if it eventually ends badly, it’s really a chance for them to learn. A great example is in relationships — a lot of the time, we outsiders have a much “better” idea of what someone should do that they might disagree with while in the situation. While a lot of people will continue to pressure someone over and over to break up or change something, I kind of believe in just letting them live (obviously, excluding significant life-threatening situations).

This also means that when someone doesn’t listen to your advice, you need to think a lot about what you need to do to help them listen. My parents have given me so much advice over the years, but I don’t think I ever fully truly internalized them until I’ve lived it and lived the consequences, be it good or bad. In this way, words only go so far, and you have to let someone make mistakes and live through them. No one can ever live life without making a few regrettable mistakes and wrongs; otherwise, they’ve done nothing at all.

I’ve found it super hard just to watch people make decisions that I feel are just so obviously wrong, but at the same time if I explained why to them, this might involve saying something negative about someone else or projecting my own dislikes… a good heuristic is again relationships, in which if I kept telling them they were making the wrong decision, this might make my friend feel more conflicted and hurt because they couldn’t even come to me to ask abt things / rant abt small things — the goal is to be the voice of care and not the voice of judgment.

at the same time, i find that i like being able to talk abt problems in my life with people who won’t just criticize the basis of the issue — i.e. when asking abt a problem in a friendship, not telling me i should just not be friends, or "just say no". (or, more commonly, complaining abt college and being told to drop out). there’s always more complexity to that and if the person i’m talking to can’t grasp it, i find it hard to come to them for advice or help.

ig its like. contrarianism has its limits? and when you meet someone, you only see the snapshot of who they are in that moment and never see the moments before that created this person.

(Crocker’s Rules exist and are a good baseline, even though what I’m saying here is slightly different.)

Final song recs: you’re on your own, kid and you’re gonna go far.